Well, we got an email yesterday from UPS...they can't find the address we were given for the orphanage, and also said the phone number is wrong. So Mali's care package is now stuck just sitting somewhere in Guangdong. We contacted the agency and they said they warned us not to use UPS because of problems like this (we obviously didn't remember any warning) and they also said that they are able to use Fed Ex all the time to send packages to Guangdong so don't understand why Fed Ex told us otherwise. I don't know why we were given bad information either but, oh well, nothing we can do about that now. But it is soo frustrating!
Immediately, Shawn and I got on the internet to see if we could find a better address and phone number. After much, much searching, we found some additions for the address we already have (but were told it still isn't complete) and then Shawn ended up calling a woman at another agency who helped us get a new phone number for the orphanage. He sent this number to UPS but we don't yet know if it is good, and won't know until Monday, since UPS is closed for deliveries over the weekend. Luckily, if this doesn't work, Uncle Zhou (the translator and go-to-guy for our agency and who accompanies/helps all families on their trips to bring their children home) is in China now through April and we could possibly have UPS send the package to his hotel and ask him to take it to Mali himself. Hopefully, we'll be able to make this work.
Aside from the logistical problem above, I had a really bad reaction to this news yesterday. I already know I have a tendency to immediately jump to the worst possible scenario, especially with the uncertainties of this adoption. So, I got really angry and then really, really sad. I know my upset was representative of the bigger picture of just feeling so out of control of this situation. All of my fears that this adoption will just fall through at any moment came flooding back into me and I just lost it, once again. If we had not gone through all of the false promises with Vietnam, I wonder if I would feel more confident and trusting of this whole process now? I feel like just when I start to get excited and make concrete plans, we get more bad news and disappointment. I'm terrified to begin putting together her crib or finish up her room. It's been sitting half done for the longest time. I'm still so afraid of growing closer and closer to Mali, if I might never meet her.
I started to think of just putting away any signs of Mali or even thinking of baby stuff until we actually get our LOA. I even told my mom that I was going to do this and to stop planning the baby shower for now because I was in a really bad place and was just not comfortable with moving forward any more. I would hate to have the shower all planned and then find out the day before, that we were denied to adopt Mali. My poor mom, she really takes the brunt of all of my venting and stays so calm and supportive in spite of my irrationality at times. I truly appreciate that. So, once I got off the phone with my mom, cried for a while, and drove home...I walked through the door and saw Mali's pictures we have posted on our refrigerator. It hit me then. No matter what happens, or any other heart ache we go through...I already feel like her mom. Even if I never meet her and Shawn and I are just not meant to have children, I think I will always feel like Mali's mom.
I can't believe I feel like that already and some days it would just be easier to be able to shut off my attachment to her so that I wouldn't worry so much. But I can't and that's just the way it is. This waiting is even more difficult now than it was before we got her referral. I mean, sometimes I sit and wonder if she is awake, if she is sleeping, if her diaper is dirty, if she is smiling, if she is crying, if she is hungry, if she is standing or walking, if she has said her first words yet or if she learned anything new today, if she just got a bath, if she is being treated well, if she is being hugged and loved. So many questions, and very very very few answers. Living with this uncertainty is tough, but my hope is that it is just toughening both of us up for parenthood. Some day, I really hope it will all make sense.
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