Uggh, I spoke too soon...

Well, we got an email yesterday from UPS...they can't find the address we were given for the orphanage, and also said the phone number is wrong. So Mali's care package is now stuck just sitting somewhere in Guangdong. We contacted the agency and they said they warned us not to use UPS because of problems like this (we obviously didn't remember any warning) and they also said that they are able to use Fed Ex all the time to send packages to Guangdong so don't understand why Fed Ex told us otherwise. I don't know why we were given bad information either but, oh well, nothing we can do about that now. But it is soo frustrating!

Immediately, Shawn and I got on the internet to see if we could find a better address and phone number. After much, much searching, we found some additions for the address we already have (but were told it still isn't complete) and then Shawn ended up calling a woman at another agency who helped us get a new phone number for the orphanage. He sent this number to UPS but we don't yet know if it is good, and won't know until Monday, since UPS is closed for deliveries over the weekend. Luckily, if this doesn't work, Uncle Zhou (the translator and go-to-guy for our agency and who accompanies/helps all families on their trips to bring their children home) is in China now through April and we could possibly have UPS send the package to his hotel and ask him to take it to Mali himself. Hopefully, we'll be able to make this work.

Aside from the logistical problem above, I had a really bad reaction to this news yesterday. I already know I have a tendency to immediately jump to the worst possible scenario, especially with the uncertainties of this adoption. So, I got really angry and then really, really sad. I know my upset was representative of the bigger picture of just feeling so out of control of this situation. All of my fears that this adoption will just fall through at any moment came flooding back into me and I just lost it, once again. If we had not gone through all of the false promises with Vietnam, I wonder if I would feel more confident and trusting of this whole process now? I feel like just when I start to get excited and make concrete plans, we get more bad news and disappointment. I'm terrified to begin putting together her crib or finish up her room. It's been sitting half done for the longest time. I'm still so afraid of growing closer and closer to Mali, if I might never meet her.

I started to think of just putting away any signs of Mali or even thinking of baby stuff until we actually get our LOA. I even told my mom that I was going to do this and to stop planning the baby shower for now because I was in a really bad place and was just not comfortable with moving forward any more. I would hate to have the shower all planned and then find out the day before, that we were denied to adopt Mali. My poor mom, she really takes the brunt of all of my venting and stays so calm and supportive in spite of my irrationality at times. I truly appreciate that. So, once I got off the phone with my mom, cried for a while, and drove home...I walked through the door and saw Mali's pictures we have posted on our refrigerator. It hit me then. No matter what happens, or any other heart ache we go through...I already feel like her mom. Even if I never meet her and Shawn and I are just not meant to have children, I think I will always feel like Mali's mom.

I can't believe I feel like that already and some days it would just be easier to be able to shut off my attachment to her so that I wouldn't worry so much. But I can't and that's just the way it is. This waiting is even more difficult now than it was before we got her referral. I mean, sometimes I sit and wonder if she is awake, if she is sleeping, if her diaper is dirty, if she is smiling, if she is crying, if she is hungry, if she is standing or walking, if she has said her first words yet or if she learned anything new today, if she just got a bath, if she is being treated well, if she is being hugged and loved. So many questions, and very very very few answers. Living with this uncertainty is tough, but my hope is that it is just toughening both of us up for parenthood. Some day, I really hope it will all make sense.

How cool is this??

Shawn looked up the UPS tracking of her care package (I know, I'm easily amazed :) I just wanted to share that I think it's cool to know her little package is in a truck right now, bumping down a road somewhere halfway around the world, and she'll probably have that bear in her arms soon!

Check out the details below :)


Tracking Detail


Tracking Number: 1Z 045 1W8 04 3254 707 3
Type: Package
Status: In Transit
Rescheduled Delivery: 03/02/2009
Shipped To: GUANGDONG, XUWEN, CN
Shipped/Billed On: 02/23/2009
Service: UPS SAVER
Weight: 11.30 Lbs

Package Progress
Location Date Local Time Description

GUANGZHOU, CN 02/26/2009 12:24 A.M. IN-TRANSIT SCAN

GUANGZHOU, CN 02/25/2009 10:00 P.M. IMPORT SCAN
02/25/2009 2:16 P.M. ARRIVAL SCAN

ANCHORAGE, AK, US 02/24/2009 10:13 A.M. DEPARTURE SCAN
02/24/2009 10:13 A.M. DEPARTURE SCAN
02/24/2009 6:42 A.M. ARRIVAL SCAN
02/24/2009 6:42 A.M. ARRIVAL SCAN

LOUISVILLE, KY, US 02/24/2009 5:10 A.M. DEPARTURE SCAN
02/24/2009 4:06 A.M. DEPARTURE SCAN
02/24/2009 1:21 A.M. ARRIVAL SCAN

OBETZ, OH, US 02/23/2009 9:16 P.M. DEPARTURE SCAN
02/23/2009 8:55 P.M. ORIGIN SCAN

US 02/23/2009 6:15 P.M. BILLING INFORMATION RECEIVED


Tracking results provided by UPS: 02/25/2009 8:54 P.M. ET

Bon Voyage Care Package!

Shawn took the package into UPS this morning. It supposedly was picked up and officially started on its journey at 6pm tonight. When we were trying to print off an airbill for FedEx, we found that they don't even go to Guangdong (which is where Mali's orphanage is) - can you believe it? We were pretty surprised. But thank God for UPS!!

It was somewhat expensive to ship but I would have paid any amount of money to get it to her. Mali should have it by Friday (a whole week before her birthday), yay!!! Plus it gives it a little extra time, in case it gets stuck in customs for whatever reason. Hopefully customs won't pull it too much apart if they do need to open it. And do you want to hear something a little silly? I actually felt bad stuffing her poor bear in that box - he just looked so squished. Goofy, right? I know, I know. Shawn and I both have a soft spot for inanimate objects for some reason :)

Anyway, I really hope her caregivers are able to understand everything we sent and will use the camera for updates. She must be really growing and I am getting "itchy" to get some more pictures of our little angel :)

First of many gifts...the care package.

We are planning on sending her care package to her tomorrow via Fed Ex. I'm not sure how long it will take to get to her, but seeing as how her 1st birthday is 3/6/09, wouldn't it be great if she got it on her actual birthday? We can hope.

I wanted to share with everyone what we are including for her. There are a total of three bags; one for the orphanage workers, one for the other children in the orphanage, and one for Maliana.

First Package: This is a letter we are including for the orphanage workers to explain the three packages, as well as candy and a disposable camera.














Second Package: Clothes and some supplies for the children of the orphanage (including Mali). We got all different sizes of sleepers, onesies, and pants to help with the various ages.

















Third (and Mali's) Package: This is the photo album to help Mali get used to our faces. And to ready her for her two furry siblings too :)













This is the blanket that we have been cuddling with for the last few weeks. And OF COURSE her first Notre Dame gear, duh! We've actually had this outfit for her for the last couple years, and by the time we get to her, she may have outgrown it. At least if we send it now, it might still fit! We'll have to work on her Browns gear once we get her home, right Grandpa? :)

















This is a birthday card we decided to include, last minute.

The story behind it is that Shawn has befriended Annie and Billy Lee (of Billy Lee's Cuisine off of Broad Street - a wonderful Chinese restaurant by the way!) Anyway, they have been so excited for us over the last year or so and have gotten really involved in cheering us on with this adoption. So, upon hearing of our care package, Annie offered to write a message of our choosing in a card for Mali. She said it could help go a long way with the orphanage workers that are caring for Mali. So, basically, we wrote out our message which was "We are excited to meet you and love you already. Hugs and Kisses from Mommy and Daddy." Shawn took it in and Annie and Billy and many of their staff at the restaurant all put their heads together on the translation and were gracious enough to write in the card for us. The translation in Chinese is not exact, so this is what they were able to come up with in Chinese characters "We cannot wait to see you. We wish you come to America faster and to see each other and live together. The person who love you Daddy, Mommy." Not exact, but definitely gets our sentiment across and we are so grateful to Annie and Billy and their crew for helping us. I am sure we will be bringing Mali in for dinners at their restaurant for years to come! Oh, and the little red envelope next to the card has 5 crisp clean $1 bills in it as Annie insisted that "Chinese babies love to play with American money!" and included it for us. I guess we'll have to take her word for it - couldn't hurt, right? :)

And finally, Shawn and I went to Build a Bear at Easton and recorded a message for Mali. This way she can hear and get used to our voices too.


When we were finishing up the bear, they make you pick out a heart for it before they put the stuffing in, and go through all of these things like kissing the heart, rubbing it on your head (so the bear will be smart), hugging it, rubbing it on your belly (so the bear will never be hungry), and making a wish before they put it in your bear. I saw some kids ahead of us doing this and figured it was something special they just do with kids. But when we got up to the front of the line, they made us both do it too (our bear has two hearts, one from Shawn and one from me). Of course, I got all teared up. This whole process is so emotional for me. But I wouldn't have it any other way :)

So now, we are going to head to Fed Ex tomorrow and get her care package shipped off. I just wish we could Fed Ex ourselves over there with it. But, since we can't be there to celebrate her first year on this Earth, at least a part of us will be. We are having all the grandparents over for dinner and a celebration for her birthday, March 6th. We are planning to order Chinese food for dinner and Shawn and I are going to pick up some traditional birthday/celebration cakes and treats from the local Asian market. It should be fun and at least we can all celebrate with her in spirit.

One down...Two to go...

Well, good news!! We got Pre-Approval on Wednesday 2/11/09!! We are relieved a bit but still cautiously optimistic. And now you’re probably thinking…and Pre-Approval is???

So, here’s the skinny on the various hoops we have to jump through:

1. Pre-Approval (PA) – Basically this is a preliminary approval, given by the adoption officials, based on the electronic application (very brief) that our agency sent over when we got the referral and were matched w/Mali. Supposedly the agency sent over one of the doctor’s letters with this application so we’re hoping that the Chinese are now aware of Shawn’s previous brain tumor and it won’t cause any snags for us.
2. Letter of Acceptance (LOA) – After PA, the adoption officials will pull our dossier (the mound of paperwork referencing pretty much our entire life history) out of their thousands of dossiers just sitting over there, and begin to translate it from English to Chinese. Once this is completed, they will review it in it’s entirety, clarify any information if needed, and then if all goes well, will give their “blessing” and send us an official Letter of Acceptance stating they agree we are capable parents for Mali. This can take anywhere from 2-3 months. We will both breathe a lot easier once this is in hand :)
3. Travel Approval (TA) – This happens much quicker, taking probably another month (or less) after the LOA. Basically, this is given once all of our appointments have been arranged with the Chinese Consulate and other government agencies. This tells us what approximate time frame we will be able to come over. At this point our agency will begin booking our hotel and flight information. Travel usually occurs within a few weeks to a month from the TA.

We still have a few pretty big hurdles, so you can understand the “cautious optimism” I mentioned earlier.

For the time being, we are continuing to work on the house and nursery, gather our travel documents, work on updating our home study with the social worker, get our visas for China, think ahead on what to pack for the journey, and put together a care package to send to Mali and her orphanage workers. We should have an address we can Fed Ex it to next week. We are going to include various things in the package, some of which are a teether photo album for Mali with our pictures in it (so she can hopefully recognize us when we meet her for the first time), clothes and toys (for both Mali and the other children in the orphanage), a disposable camera (for updates and candid shots), a letter for Mali’s caregiver(s) to introduce ourselves and express our gratitude for the work they have done and will do for Mali and the other orphans, chocolate (our agency actually told us to include some of this for the caregivers…I guess a few bribes couldn’t hurt, huh?), and also a soft pink blanket for Mali (Shawn and I have been cuddling with it lately and hope it will still have our ‘scent’ on it when it gets to her). I’m debating on trying to record a message for Mali on a portable recording device that they can play for her too…I’m not sure about that one, but it would be neat for her to hear our voices, then maybe we would sound more familiar when we arrive to get her. I’ll keep thinking on that one.

We have our work cut out for us for now, but it’s definitely good to stay busy for the next few months.

Losses

So…plans are moving along. We are re-doing the bathroom, the last room of the house that needs a good once-over before the little one arrives.

Right now, Shawn and I are reading a book that Dr. Powell gave us, “Raising Your Internationally Adopted Child” (very apropos, right?) It pretty much takes you from the first hours with your new child, all the way through the teenage years, discussing what can be expected, how to handle various situations, and shedding a lot of light on the adoption experience, particularly from the child’s perspective. In fact, many books on adoption focus on the parent(s) and completely miss the crucial perspective of the adopted child, which can be very detrimental.

I am only a quarter of the way through the book and it has really impacted me in a big way. I was amazed to learn that children as young as a few months or even a few days old are capable of being aware of loss and separation (considered implicit memory), especially from their birth mother. This sense of loss can in turn affect their lives years later, possibly even without their ability to realize and verbalize where it originates. There are also numerous bio-chemicals released between birth mother and child that just aren’t there when you adopt, which can place adoptive parents at a disadvantage in connecting or bonding with their child from square one. Then, given all of the disruptions in an adopted child’s life, especially depending on their age upon adoption, they can have a false sense of autonomy or independence out of necessity. After all, this “independence” is how many of them learned to survive so well within their institution. Unfortunately, this autonomy that served them so well before can prevent, or at least make it a lot more difficult, to connect with others, including their new parents who seem like just two more random people who will eventually leave them again.

In all of the information and stories shared in this book, I began to think of Mali and all of the losses she has suffered in her young life, not even a year old yet. Not only was she separated from her birth mother, but then from the person that found her, then the police who briefly had her and tried to locate her birth parents, and now she is once again with various caregivers in the orphanage, not necessarily knowing who will be feeding her, changing her, cuddling her, etc, each day. I can’t imagine living with that instability and yet, from her records, she appears to be surviving, and dare I say thriving in some aspects. Evidently she has gotten accustomed to this ever-changing existence.

Then I thought of our coming over to bring her to her new home, disrupting her life once again and ripping her away from the life she has gotten used to living. I began to feel very sad, even guilty for what we are doing. I can’t stand to think of causing her any more pain than what she has already endured. I know that in the long run, her life in our family would hopefully be better than a life lived in an institution however it really upsets me to think of hurting her again, even if it is for a greater good.

I began to think about my guilt, and wondered if it wasn’t really guilt, but rather a grieving process for Mali’s losses, for her separation from the parents and life into which she was born. The book emphasizes how important it is to acknowledge Mali’s life before she entered our family, as well as the present she is experiencing with us, and to reassure her about the stability we will do our best to provide for her future. As adoptive parents, we need to openly talk about her complicated history, acknowledge her life experiences from HER perspective, and to encourage any and all feelings she may have about it, piecing it together like something of a jigsaw puzzle at times since none of us will know the entire story for certain.

Thankfully, this book provides a ton of information and a ton of suggestions for how to discuss and handle difficult situations and topics as they arise. I have been taking notes and highlighting various portions in order to be as prepared as I can be for Mali. I just hope I can be the mom that she needs me to be…honestly, I am really nervous.

Pinch me...is this real??

Ok, ok…many of you already know but until I make it official by updating this blog, I won’t feel like I have informed everyone yet…so, here goes.

Unbelievably, only a few short hours after I posted that first blog, we got “the call” - (the wild timing of that made me feel like I should have posted this adoption blog months ago!!)

Here’s how it happened.
On January 21st, I had actually already gone to bed at about 10pm and was just drifting off to sleep and heard my phone beep that I’d missed a call…then I heard Shawn answer his phone downstairs. I began to wonder at that moment, “Could it be??” I heard Shawn pause and then I heard him say, “Are you f*&%ing serious??” (Now, you have to understand that we both have a great relationship with the ladies at our adoption agency and so they thought this was HILARIOUS!) Anyway, once I heard that, and then Shawn come bounding up the stairs, I just knew (but still didn’t want to get ahead of myself). He came to the bedroom where I met him in the doorway and with tears in his eyes, said “We’ve got our girl.” I immediately felt like the wind was sucked out of me and began to cry. The next few moments were a whirlwind of information, instructions, tears, laughing, and thank you’s to our consultant. The next few hours, all I could do was shake…you would have thought I had hypothermia with how much my teeth and every other part of me was rattling, but I think I was just in shock. We immediately called my mom and Shawn’s parents, who were all in shock and disbelief. It was wonderful to be able to call them with such good news. My mom is already beginning to make clothes for Mali, just like she did for me when I was a baby. I am so thankful and love having my mom to share this with me. After the calls we just sat there in awe, talking and looking at each other, grinning from ear to ear…eventually we tried to go to sleep (which didn’t work at all!)

The next morning, we headed to Children’s Hospital to talk to the director of their International Adoptions Clinic, Dr. Powell. Our agency had emailed Mali’s records to them the night before so they could review everything and inform us more specifically about her condition and development. Mali was found in a box, just outside a hospital in Guangdong, at just a few days old. They believe her DOB is 3/6/08. The police tried to locate her parents, however could not. She was eventually admitted into a social welfare institution which is where she has been ever since, and given the name Xu Suirong (which we will keep as her middle name upon adoption). She has a unilateral cleft lip and palate on her left side. Upon looking at her file and photos, Dr. Powell said that he is hopeful that the placement of her cleft should make for fairly simple surgeries with not many adjustments needed later. He said that her growth is right on target (which is another clue that her cleft is not very severe since she is able to suck and feed without much difficulty) and her social development is also very good for an institutionalized child as she is noted to giggle, babble, have a ready smile, and enjoys being “teased” by her caregiver. Once we had gone over the briefing with Dr. Powell, he asked if we would like to see our daughter. (At this point, we had not yet seen a photo of her because the agency did not want us falling in love with a photo if there were hidden conditions within her medical records that would be more than we had expected or felt capable of handling.) Of course, Shawn and I answered in a resounding “YES!!” And when Dr. Powell showed us her face, we were instantly in love. I know that we are biased, but Shawn and I think that she is the most beautiful and perfect little girl we have ever seen, and each day since then, we have just fallen more deeply in love with her. I can’t imagine how we’ll feel once we can actually hold her and look into her eyes in person.

Gradually, over the next few days, we told various people with an overwhelming response of support, joy, and love. It felt wonderful. After so many months (and years) of disappointment, it was amazing to know that so many people are nearly as excited as we are to bring Mali home. We drove to Riverside hospital to tell my grandma Hart since she volunteers there on Thursday nights. We brought the pictures to her and told her we just wanted her to look at some pictures we had developed, but not what they were. When she saw them and realized that they were actually her great granddaughter, she was ecstatic! She has been so excited for us and even bought Mali a Christmas gift last year…we thought she definitely needed to be one of the first to know.

We waited to tell my dad until we could do it in person and I am glad we did. The timing was great as we called my dad and told him that we had a gift for him for Chinese New Year. He suspected nothing. We wrapped the framed referral photos and placed them in a bag (all done in glittery red and gold since red is the color of happiness and gold is the color of royalty in China). I filmed my dad, Lisa (my step-mom), and Blaize (my brother), opening the gift. When they realized what it was, they all were very surprised, but none more surprised and moved than my dad. He cried, and cried, and cried some more. It was really touching. After a lot of hugs, tears, and excitement, we had a champagne toast and then lit off a huge Chinese firework that my dad had been saving for just such an occasion. (And luckily this time, he didn’t light the back yard on fire! Ha Ha – Yea!!) I’m really glad I got his reaction on video. It was so worth it.

Anyway, so far it’s been a week and a half and it is STILL sinking in. When you wait for something so long, and it finally happens…it’s hard to really believe it. I mean, really, deep down in your bones, believe it. I go through phases where I am able to completely embrace what has happened and I want to hire a plane to write it across the sky to let everyone know that we are now the parents of an amazing little girl…and other times I am still in denial and just want to keep it all a secret for fear that something will happen before we can make it over to her and bring her home. I know this is probably just lingering worry, doubt, and mistrust from all of the ups and downs of this whole experience…so for now I am just trying to accept the doubts and slowly talk myself out of them, working on having faith that it will all fall into place as it should. It’s hard though, a day by day process still.

By allowing myself to go through every emotion, even denial, it has really helped me come to a new place now where I feel okay with updating this blog and moving forward with more of our preparations for her homecoming, (which I was even afraid to start doing at first because I didn’t want to jinx anything – I just couldn’t bear the thought of having an empty nursery staring at us everyday if something bad happened). We’ve called the agency numerous times for reassuring words and encouragement and consistently we’ve been told that it would be fine and encouraged to “Show her off!” So I suppose at some point, we just have to trust.

For now, we have registered at both Babies R Us and Target and I have ordered her crib and mattress. We have slowly been cleaning more stuff out of the house and have been preparing her room. The agency tells us that we will be able to go get her in about 4-6 months. Obviously we are hoping it will be sooner rather than later, but we still have about 3 more rounds of official approvals with the Chinese government. I won’t feel 100% confident until we touch down in Columbus with her in our arms. However, once we get to the second round of approvals (which we’re told can take about 2-3 months), I will probably post her pictures on this blog. So then, you can all see what a gorgeous little pumpkin she is!! :)