Where do I begin...a little background perhaps?

Well, it's been about 5 solid years, and actually more like 6, that we have not only wanted a child but have desperately been trying to bring one into our lives.

Although I suppose it actually began in October of 1999 when they discovered Shawn's brain tumor. That alone was quite a shock and a true testament to our relationship and the meaning of our life together. I realized what was truly important to me at that point, and it was being with Shawn and building our life together. Various hurdles were overcome and we had assumed that the worst was behind us after finally finding a balance to all of the medications Shawn would need for the rest of his life and being tumor free at all follow up appointments. Little did we know, that was only the beginning.

In 2003, we had decided to seriously begin trying to have a child. After 9 years (with a 3 1/2 yr hiatus) I had graduated with my bachelors' degrees and we were finally feeling like we were settled. Without going into all of the crazy details of dealing with infertility, because that is not really what this blog is about, suffice it to say that 3 years later we still were childless. After going to the doctor for various fertility testing, we discovered that the tumor had destroyed all reproductive hormones and without spending $4000 a month (with no insurance willing to cover the medications), there was no way that Shawn and I could conceive a biological child. This news was very devastating and I can remember crying on numerous occasions, grieving the loss of how I thought my life would unfold.

Now, I should say that as long as I can remember picturing myself with children, my heart has always felt open, if not even drawn, to adoption. However, knowing it can be a sensitive and personal subject for so many people, I was not 100% sure what Shawn's feelings were on it for our family. So, laying in bed one December evening, talking to Shawn about our options, I decided to lay it on the line and tell him how I felt and ask what he thought about us adopting. I half expected a much longer discussion, but in a matter of seconds Shawn said he was completely on board and would love to adopt a child. We both agreed that instead of spending more months and countless dollars trying to create a biological child, it just made more sense to adopt a beautiful and amazing child that was already in the world and needed a family to love them. I can remember such a huge flood of relief and excitement at our revelation about how our family would begin. It was exhilarating after so many months/years of hitting fertility roadblocks. It felt wonderful.

We began researching and landed on adopting from China, partially because my uncle has adopted two little girls from China and had wonderful experiences, and partially because of the one-child only policy that still lingers there, resulting in children (mostly girls) being abandoned quite frequently for various reasons.

We contacted many agencies and were largely disappointed as most of them would not even begin to work with us once we mentioned 'brain tumor' - they wouldn't even inquire further to know that it was benign and that Shawn had been tumor free for 7 years at that point! It was disheartening to say the least. But what is meant to be, is simply meant to be. It turns out the only agency that would work with us on various levels happened to be right here in Ohio, near Cleveland, and once I saw their brochure, I couldn't help but feel it was a little serendipitous. On the front of their China brochure was a story about a little girl who had been recently adopted and she was named Abby Hart - now my last name is Hart (I kept my maiden name even after I got married) and our dog (who is one of our cherished 4-legged babies right now) is named Abby. If that was not a sign from God, I don't know what is. So, the deal was sealed, we would work with our current agency.

We began to gather our dossier; attending classes, running all over town, getting certified, fingerprinted, examined, etc - you name it, we did it. We had completed our dossier in record time, a month and a half, however our agency groups parents together and so we had to wait for everyone else to get their dossiers finished before we could get logged in. It was an agonizing few months before our paperwork was finally sent over to China - our LID was officially 8/20/07. We were a little upset because we had hustled and worked hard to get it done so much sooner, but thankful that it was finally in-country and our clock could start ticking. At that point, the wait was approximately 18-24 months before referral. It was very long, but manageable.

During the beginning of 2007, while we were finishing up paperwork, two tragedies struck our family. My cousin Kari lost her 12 day old infant on January 17th, 2007...then just 3 months later, my cousin Dustin was murdered on April 30th. Both events had a huge impact on Shawn and I. It deepened our resolve to somehow try to make differences in the world and the lives around us...it made everything seem more meaningful, especially our adoption.

Just as our LID arrived, we got another call from the agency, asking if we would like to adopt another child from Vietnam, in the interim of our adoption from China, since it was going to be such a long wait for us. After discussing this for about a week, we figured that we couldn't pass up on this amazing opportunity as we had hoped to adopt two children eventually anyway. We were again thrilled, and hurriedly got another dossier ready for shipment to Vietnam.

To make a long story shorter, Vietnam is a much less stable country when it comes to adoptions with the US. Due to problems with our State Dept and child trafficking on both sides of the ocean, various deadlines and agreements were attempted, but sadly the doors were finally closed on September 1st, 2008 between the US and Vietnam for adoptions. Our paperwork was returned along with half of our money already paid. We were heartbroken. Not only because our new dream of two children growing up together was shattered, but also because the wait for a referral from China had climbed from the original minimum of 18 months to the whopping 36+ months that it stands at today. Many, many, many tears have been shed over this journey so far...we have felt so helpless over the past two years, even more helpless than when we were trying to conceive.

After the bulk of our mourning process for our Vietnamese child, we turned our attention to another option, one that we had actually initially discussed back in July of 2008 but did not pursue at that time due to the lingering possibility of a Vietnamese adoption. Shawn and I began to seriously consider adopting a child with special needs. For the agencies, these children can be a bit more difficult to place due to their various conditions and necessary treatments, however Shawn and I decided that we were in an excellent financial, emotional, and spiritual place to provide for and love one of these children with our whole hearts.

We researched the various possible conditions, met with a treatment team at our local Children's Hospital (which is nationally if not internationally renown), and talked and talked and talked some more about what this would entail. We ultimately realized we felt 100% comfortable with the conditions of cleft lip/palate, club feet, and/or missing digits. So we asked our agency to put us on their list to match us with a child with these special needs. This was at some point in November 2008...and now it is January 2009.

I know that it has technically been only about 2 months since we have been waiting for a special needs referral...but it feels like an eternity when you count all of the ups and downs since 2003. The shared list of special needs children is usually released once a month by the CCAA (Chinese Center for Adoption Affairs). Right now we are just hoping they release one more list before Chinese New Year (on January 26th) since they will be closed for about 2 weeks after that.

The next few days are crucial, they can mean we have our little girl, or we have to wait one more month without our little girl. I sure hope it happens soon, I honestly don't know how much more I can endure.